I wish I knew more. I wish I knew nothing at all.

I'm having some serious issues, and I'm not sure what to do. All I know is I want to write.
Does he still love her? Of course. But does he still want to be with her is the question.
Perry, I don't fucking appreciate you calling him from her phone. I hate seeing that look on his face when he sees her number on the screen. It tears at my heart slowly, piece by piece. The one girl he has ever loved. And for that very reason, the only girl that will ever scare me.
I know I've given him something no one else ever has. However, I know they never had proper closure. If she came calling... would he go back to her? Would he give it a try? Would I wait for him to figure out that it's something that is in his past? Of course I would. Because I'm hopelessly devoted to him. Still, I can't say it wouldn't damage me to the fullest extent.
I'm a nervous wreck here. It pains me just thinking of him thinking of her. I wish I knew more. I wish I knew nothing at all.

Irony.

She waits. The story of her life unfolds differently than yesterday, yet completely the same. Isn't it ironic? She is prepared for the melancholy arrival of a new situation she already knows all too well. Through gritted teeth she smiles hoping noone will see her pain.

Makes for bad writing...

So, I haven't written on here in a long time. Honestly, I really haven't had the time to do it. But, a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I am completely happy and satisfied with the same guy I was talking about before. I was unsure how he felt about me and how he treated me. Since then, so much has changed. Ok this is a horrible blog... I already know that. I sound pathetic. So I'm just going to stop. I don't know what I want to write. But I'm in love. I'm happy. And that makes for bad writing.

My Pain

Alone in her car
she takes off her mask.
Music fills the small space
but her face is silent.
Her pain becomes evident.
As her thoughts slowly tear at her flesh,
she reminds herself to breathe.

She arrives.
She turns off the car
but sits, preparing for what lies ahead.
With a deep breath and a sigh
she steps out and closes the door
and she is all smiles.

Pain. My pain is silent. Breathtaking. Heart-aching. Haunting, Hidden. Loud. Muting. Deafening. Suffocating. Overwhelming. Frightening. Personal. Unforgivable. Desperate. Lonely. Niave. Unforgetable. Unavoidable. Loathsome. Crowded. Nauseating. Gripping. Chilling. Threatening.

When I'm alone, I don't have to pretend.

I'm trying to find a way that I can stay in this place and still be happy... still make something out of my life. I'm trying to stay here and keep holding onto life, but it's hard. It's painful. It's uncomfortable. And I'm not sure I can do it. I need someone to say that they will be here anyway. But I don't truly have anyone. I'm all alone, and I know it. I think that's why I hurt so bad. I'm not sure what I want. But I know it's not this. I'm empty. Yet I'm giving so much love to someone that i'm not sure cares. Even though I have nothing, mentally or physically, I'm still finding parts of myself to keep giving. I'm not sure he appreciates that. But I do feel like I'm not getting anything out of this, and I don't think that's right. My heart literally hurts. I feel the stressing pain of tensed muscle in my chest. It makes me restless. Never satisfied. Especially when I am alone. The worse part of all of this is I know I am better that all of it. Honestly, I'm not positive I want to get out of this. But I know I probably should. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to make myself feel better. Happy. Feel normal, ya know? How can I just be okay with myself again? This depression nonsense had been going on way too long. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of who I am on the inside... the pain, grief, lonliness. I want more than that. I want to feel like myself again. I am me on the outside. Everyone sees the happy go lucky Mallory. Laid back, happy, always smiling, and loving life Mallory. But no one sees how I am when I'm alone, thank God. When I'm by myself, I'm dark, and sad, always crying, never satisfied, can't find anything to keep me busy that I enjoy, etc. Even my thoughts are unorganised, unsatisfying, and honestly boring. I hardly ever have full circle thoughts any more unless it is about something negative. I use to be able to organize my thoughts into great writing. now I just write down shit. I'm caught up in the hurt, and I have no memories I wish to return to to help me through it. I'm so caught up in nothing. And that makes me miserable. I pray for just one single day I can have where I feel completely okay and happy. Even if it's an illusion. I just want to remember what it feels like and be able to acknowledge it is possible. I want to feel like this weight is off my shoulders for one day. I just need one say to remember how amazing it is to breathe clearly.
Most of all I want him to love me back. I don't want to be lost in a one-sided love. I long for him to want me like I want him.

Loving Someone Doesn't Make Them Love You

So, I cleaned my boyfriends apartment, with no thanks of course, I went to work, and now I am sitting home alone. I don't work on Fridays. I'm also 21 years old, and like every other night of my life I am sitting at home.
There's this guy. (There's always a guy.) We have been talking for a year, and he doesn't want a relationship. That should be my sign, right? Wrong. I'm not so sure what's left for us. I love him and want to be with him, but if we are stuck in the same place we have been for months and aren't moving forward... then what can I do? Where do I go from here? I already feel like I put all of the work into this, so I guess it is all on me. It's like every two weeks he gets tired of me. After a week or two of him being around but staying "distant", it's like I'm a princess. The best thing that has ever walked through his door. I want that all the time! I think I deserve that too. I'm tired. Tired of this. I want more. But I'm too scared to ask for it, because I don't want to lose him. But I guess if he doesn't want the same things I do then it's not going to work anyways. I'm too scared to face that fact. i don't want to find out it's true. I like feeling wanted, even if it's not to the callabor that I want it. I like feeling needed, even if his motives are wrong. I need someone right now. I'm afraid to be alone. And I'm sorry to him that I just happened to fall in love with him, because that sticks him in the role of the someone I need. I can't let go. I'm addicted, and he is something I have to have to survive. But what if i can't have him? How do I let go? What kind of rehab would I go to in this situation? How would I survive? I don't want to cling to someone I don't even care about just to get over him. I guess I mean... I don't want a rebound, whether it be guy or just a random friend. Honestly when I look at guys, no one really compares to him. Especially in looks. I think, a year ago, I just wanted to be in love with him. I liked the idea of it. But now, dear God, now I'm so deeply in love with him. It's bigger than me and no longer under my control. But I'm not sure I want this feeling anymore, because it hurts too bad knowing he doesn't love me back. It's an amazing, unbelievable pain. It makes my thoughts cloudy or insane. I don't even know what to do with myself the majority of the time. But I do know I love him with every ounce of my being. Is love really worth this fall I'm taking? I sure hope so, because i can't fly, so I guess I'm stuck falling. I hope the landing isn't too much more painful than what I'm feeling now.
Hard lesson learned: Loving someone doesn't make them love you.

Wednesday May 19, 2010 10 10 10 10

So I have been wanting to start a blog for a while now. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, and I really don't have much time to figure it out considering I have to leave for work in five minutes. However, I love to write, even when it's about nothing but myself. Getting my thoughts down on paper seems to ease my stress level. So that's the reason I am starting a blog. When I have more time I will tell more about myself and my life. But a few things to know about me could include: I believe all girls are princesses. No matter how ugly on the inside, no matter how poor, or selfish, or slutty etc. Girls are born princesses and deserve to be treated as such. It's how we live our lives that convinces others we don't deserve the title. Pink is my favorite color. Black is my favorite nail polish. I can't sing. But I love to. A great artist once said, "When music is the one thing that surrounds you, you feel no pain." I was named after Bob Dylan. (Mallory Dylan). And if I love you, I will give you every ounce of my being, physical and mental, until I have nothing left to give. Even then, I will keep trying. I love like no other. That's a promise.