My Pain

Alone in her car
she takes off her mask.
Music fills the small space
but her face is silent.
Her pain becomes evident.
As her thoughts slowly tear at her flesh,
she reminds herself to breathe.

She arrives.
She turns off the car
but sits, preparing for what lies ahead.
With a deep breath and a sigh
she steps out and closes the door
and she is all smiles.

Pain. My pain is silent. Breathtaking. Heart-aching. Haunting, Hidden. Loud. Muting. Deafening. Suffocating. Overwhelming. Frightening. Personal. Unforgivable. Desperate. Lonely. Niave. Unforgetable. Unavoidable. Loathsome. Crowded. Nauseating. Gripping. Chilling. Threatening.

When I'm alone, I don't have to pretend.

I'm trying to find a way that I can stay in this place and still be happy... still make something out of my life. I'm trying to stay here and keep holding onto life, but it's hard. It's painful. It's uncomfortable. And I'm not sure I can do it. I need someone to say that they will be here anyway. But I don't truly have anyone. I'm all alone, and I know it. I think that's why I hurt so bad. I'm not sure what I want. But I know it's not this. I'm empty. Yet I'm giving so much love to someone that i'm not sure cares. Even though I have nothing, mentally or physically, I'm still finding parts of myself to keep giving. I'm not sure he appreciates that. But I do feel like I'm not getting anything out of this, and I don't think that's right. My heart literally hurts. I feel the stressing pain of tensed muscle in my chest. It makes me restless. Never satisfied. Especially when I am alone. The worse part of all of this is I know I am better that all of it. Honestly, I'm not positive I want to get out of this. But I know I probably should. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to make myself feel better. Happy. Feel normal, ya know? How can I just be okay with myself again? This depression nonsense had been going on way too long. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of who I am on the inside... the pain, grief, lonliness. I want more than that. I want to feel like myself again. I am me on the outside. Everyone sees the happy go lucky Mallory. Laid back, happy, always smiling, and loving life Mallory. But no one sees how I am when I'm alone, thank God. When I'm by myself, I'm dark, and sad, always crying, never satisfied, can't find anything to keep me busy that I enjoy, etc. Even my thoughts are unorganised, unsatisfying, and honestly boring. I hardly ever have full circle thoughts any more unless it is about something negative. I use to be able to organize my thoughts into great writing. now I just write down shit. I'm caught up in the hurt, and I have no memories I wish to return to to help me through it. I'm so caught up in nothing. And that makes me miserable. I pray for just one single day I can have where I feel completely okay and happy. Even if it's an illusion. I just want to remember what it feels like and be able to acknowledge it is possible. I want to feel like this weight is off my shoulders for one day. I just need one say to remember how amazing it is to breathe clearly.
Most of all I want him to love me back. I don't want to be lost in a one-sided love. I long for him to want me like I want him.